Author of The Blackout Book and the online course Bloom Where You’re Planted
The other day, I shared something funny on social media. A little bit of humor is good for us, even (and especially) in times like this. If anyone knows who originally wrote this, please let me know so I can give proper credit.
If you think about it, a UPS driver with a regular route gets to know a little bit about nearly everyone who frequently places orders. I hope this brings you a giggle. (Remember, fun is not the F-Word.) I also hope it reminds you to pay strict attention to OPSEC.
Here are some observations.
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver…
5 types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald’s, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello Kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
Got any other types to add to this?
And boy did people have other types to add to this. The responses were pretty apt and I think we all know someone who fits the bill of these characters. I also sent it to my friend, 1stMarineJarHead, who had a few characters of his own to add.
The observations of our imaginary UPS driver are continued below.
6) Aelfie: It takes me four trips to deliver all her seeds and gardening supplies. Two trips for all her sewing supplies. Her grocery order is smaller than you’d expect being mostly bulk items and alcohol.
She hands me a handmade mask after showing how to fit in the N95 filter paper. It has the UPS logo neatly embroidered on the side. She hands over 5 boxes, prepaid and with printed labels all addressed to different hospitals. They’re full of masks, she tells me cheerfully. Just doing my small bit to help.
The mail carrier walks up with a package for her from a pharmacy, seed catalogs, and a handful of assorted magazines. They’re wearing a mask with the USPS logo embroidered on it and they nod in passing. She limps back inside to get her hand truck, whistling “Good Ship Venus” as she starts to haul things to the back yard.
Aelfie will survive and Steve and Mary will barter with her for groceries. She’ll accept bribes of wine to NOT teach their offspring the lyrics to all the songs she knows.
7) Todd: He pretends to be a partner at a prestigious hedge fund firm in the city, when in reality he is a mid-level analyst. He answers the door to his East Hampton seaside 3,000sqft “cottage,” in his casual attire of slacks, Italian shoes (Corinthian leather, of course), polo shirt and a designer sweater tied around his neck. All of which costs more than I make in three months. As Todd signs for the delivery of a case of Russian caviar, his wife, Buffy, is complaining in the background of how the “help” has not shown up and how dreadful it will be to have to look at all those “townies” for the next few weeks. Faced with a possible mandatory quarantine with Todd and Buffy, the “help” all ran back to their third world Central, South American countries, and New Jersey.
The “townies” know that Todd and Buffy came from the city and storm the “cottage” with pitchforks and torches. Todd and Buffy meet a terrible fate, all the while the “townies” enjoy the well-stocked wine cellar and use the caviar as fishing bait.
8) Brenda: She follows social distancing to her own tailored interpretation. She doesn’t leave but has all walks of life come over every day for bbq’s, extended family games, birthday parties, and jigsaw puzzle nights. Brenda starts a major cluster of illness among her visitors and dies of COVID-19.
9) Shooter: He hunts people like Steve for fun, avoids everyone anyway especially people like Brad and wasn’t aware there was a social distancing issue until they started putting tape on the ground. He wasn’t specifically trained for this but he’s happy to wipe out anyone near him in his pursuit of taking care of his family or just because he’s tired of looking at them. Shooter and his family eventually relocate someplace so remote that no one ever sees them again, but rumor has it there’s a very nice, handbuilt homestead out in the boondocks somewhere that is surrounded by tripwires and homemade claymore mines.
10) Scott: He is a former Special Ops guy, currently contracted as chief of security for a CEO of a major global corporation, his wife and kids, and their grandkids in a former missile silo converted into a bunker at an undisclosed location. After only three weeks, Scott and his team are already growing tired of being referred to as the “help,” and as one teammate commented, “She orders me to make her a chocolate martini one more time and I am going to ghost her! The paycheck is not worth it!”
Within a week, the CEO and his entire family meet a most unfortunate end, and are converted into compost. Scott and his team take up with the locals, integrate, and after a few years, become a nomadic tribe, traveling throughout the wasteland of what was once the greatest nation of the 21st century.
11) Susan: Susan is Karen’s sister. She’s the one who keeps tabs on her neighbors who are out for a walk or anyone she thinks is not social distancing properly. She posts every incident on social media and can sometimes be found at Wal-Mart screaming at people who don’t have masks on. She secretly wants to call the police several times a day.
When there’s no apocalypse going on, Susan heads the locals HOA and makes some HOA kickbacks from threatening to report dead lawns.
Susan will be the first one Steve or Shooter takes out…from 100 yards
12) Kyle: Kyle is like Steve but makes his kids in camo do boot camp in the back yard, and then play Pokémon with him at night, pounds Monster in the morning and whiskey at night, cringes when his former medic wife kicks his butt for using too much TP after eating MRE’s for 2 weeks straight. Kyle likes to hide in the bushes in his ghillie suit to freak out the UPS guy. I just sigh and throw the package into the bushes.
Kyle will survive although his wife strongly considers killing him for being aggravating.
13) Dan: As I pull up the long dirt drive, Dan and his dog, Jake, step off the front porch to greet me. Dan was a high power lobbyist on K Street in Washington DC but retired early after his heart attack at the age of 42. He sold everything and moved to this remote woodland off-grid cabin, where he gardens, fishes, hunts and grows pot. When I hand over his new wheeled hand row tiller, I ask him what is he doing about the pandemic. “Pandemic? What pandemic?” I cannot help but envy him.
Dan will survive and have no idea that the death toll is as high as it is.
14) John: John lives in a small mobile home, off a county road. Half a dozen different antennas of various shapes and sizes fill his small back yard. Just beyond the back yard is the state park, all 5,000 acres of it. After I knock, the door opens a crack, and Bob looks me over and then opens the door a bit more. He looks around nervously. He is tight-lipped as he signs for the insured package of radio equipment. He mutters his thanks and closes the door. Not only was he wearing a N95 mask, as nearly everyone is nowadays, but a tinfoil hat. Once the pandemic broke out, John never appeared in public again.
John will be found years later, dead of starvation in his mobile home, with just one Twinkie left and surrounded by at least 100 empty boxes Twinkies and empty Spam cans.
13) Rachel: She is a nurse at a local hospital ER, but sells homemade candles not as a second source of income, but as something she enjoys on the side. I deliver the wicks in large spools about once an] month. She gets the wax from a local apiary. The additional income would be a bonus, but her husband insists on spending the money on firearms, ammo, and MREs. He has stockpiled enough MREs to feed him, her, and their teen daughter for a year. He has 20k rounds of ammo for each firearm. After the pandemic and the collapse of the food distribution system, I see her at the town square market place. She looks almost bewildered, even nervous as she and her daughter walk among the people who are bustling about, trading things and food. As I approach, she recognizes me, despite my beard and smiles, even giving me a half hug, as she is carrying a case of MREs. I ask her what is it she is looking to trade for, and she seems to be at a loss. I ask her what has happened to her.
She says in the name of OPSEC, her husband demanded they make their home look like it was looted, breaking some of the windows, and putting the body of a dead animal just in front to deter would-be looters/scavengers. He also ordered they dig a pit in the back of their fenced in yard and do their “business” there. After three months of nothing but MREs, OPSEC, and pooping in a hole they had to squat over, Rachel’s hubby has succumbed to an “unfortunate accident” and was disposed of in one of the poop holes.
I tell her the community has set up a daily farmers market like square where people trade for things, socialize as the pandemic has subsided for now. I help her trade MREs for two dozen fresh eggs, cabbage, carrots, apples, and two freshly slaughtered chickens. That night, they eat the best they have in three months.
Being a nurse, I help Rachel find employment as an assistant to the house call doctor that has sprung up in the community. They are paid in various things, from food to home knit wool hats. Rachel still trades her candles for other things. A few years go by, and Rachel’s daughter marries one of the doctors. Rachel later becomes a member of the community council leaders and eventually chairperson. At the age of fifty, Rachel marries a blacksmith. She allowed me the honor of giving her away. She has never been happier.
14) Me, the anonymous UPS delivery driver: Having delivered ammo, Fiji water, toilet paper, pre-made foodstuff, wine, Russian caviar, and a package of unknown origin to an undisclosed former missile silo, I had to call the ball. The food supply distribution system was collapsing. I sat in my brown truck, leaned over the steering wheel, looking at the road in front of me. Do my job or save myself and my family?
I chose the latter and took the truck back home. Had the wife and kids follow me with the dogs to family farm out in the sticks. I figured a UPS truckload of ammo, wine, water, toilet paper, and whatever else was back there would be additions at the farm. I would learn to like Russian caviar. With a good chianti, it cannot be that bad, right?
Do you have any characters to add?
Join in the fun! What characters would you add to this imaginary community?
Bhahaha wow
I find it interesting that on this most important day for Christians world wide………..
No mention of Easter on this forum.
In fact, I am the only one to mention Easter, and I have done it twice.
Very telling.
This is not a religious website. I’m not sure what this is “telling” you.
While there have been more than a few commenters whom are religious, or posted religious related things, this site focuses on prepping.
From a religious stand point this site is neutral.
Believe what you may, take comfort in religion or not.
Subscribe in Eastern, Western, religious thought.
Or even the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Daisy could of censor many but she does not even though she may not agree with a particular ideology.
“I am not sure what this is “telling” you?
I realize that.
“This is not a religious site.”
I see, only religious sites are allowed to mention Easter.
Thanks for clearing that up.
I’m not going to argue with you or get into a war of words with you. In fact, nobody is. I’m not posting any more of your argumentative bullshit. Initially, you were genuinely helpful and shared your knowledge, and because of that, I defended you. Now you’ve become the playground bully.
I won’t have one person make my comments section a miserable place to converse. You are permanently in moderation from this point forward and if I don’t find your comment useful and courteous, I won’t be posting it. If you choose not to abide by this requirement, best wishes to you.
This is a privately owned business. You can start your own website if you want to rant against the “Zionists” or pick on people who come here for information, a hand up, and actionable advice.
Take your snide attitude elsewhere. You are on the wrong website.
Thank you, Daisy! This is a great site and I enjoy your offerings immensely. I don’t know why people visit just to complain. They should treat all sites like yours as if it were a buffet. Take what you like and ignore the rest but don’t spit on the food you don’t like!
Forgot to add that I enjoyed today’s offering very much. Loved all the characters. ????????????????
Oh! Thank you Daisy!
Thank you Daisy!
THANK YOU and AMEN DAISY.
Kudos, Daisy! I’ll freely help even sworn enemies in need, but proselytizing my spiritual philosophy isn’t a job to which I subscribe, nor do I wish it foisted on me.
De Oppresso Liber
I wanted to read an Easter sermon this morning so I went to my church’s website. I wanted to check in with my fellow preppers so I came here. See how that works? So simple.
You DO realize that there is more than one religion in the world right? Also, no matter which you pick, or don’t pick for that matter, at very best you are only about 1/3 of the worlds population. So no matter who you look up to (or down) 66 percent of the population disagrees with your choice…. and these are the people you are going to have to barter with to survive in the aftermath.
Are you so sure you want to be this forceful with your belief set? Maybe your god is trying to see if you are smart enough to see what is more important, specifically deferring to behaviors.
Be Safe
A A Ron
Are we possibly displaying just a bit Holier Than Thee attitude? I don’t think ‘that’s is very Christian. Just as if I were to suspect instead of being a true Christian you might simply be seeking attention. “Hey look at me; I’m the bigger person than anyone else here.” I’ll speak for myself alone. I ain’t buyin’ it.
The first five were amusing.
Then, like The Walking Dead, it just went on too long.
Come to think of it, some real George Romero zombies is really what we need now.
Oh, right, we already haveCongressmen
and then there is Joe. Joe scoured the internet and purchased any thing that was “tactical”. Ask him how why or what he intends to use the items for, he replies.”Well its tactical thats why. Poor Joe will die of starvation with the latest tactical taser-laser knife with a bottle opener in his hand.
Good one Corsaire!
Funny thing, last year I was at a gun show. One of the vendors had a AR15 sling attachment that also doubled as a bottle opener.
Which is total hogwash 🙂 Any prepper worth their salt has trained enough that they can shoot that bottle top off, AND get the deer 80 yards down wind with a single shot. If they happen to miss, an antler will pop a top in a jiffy.
Isn’t it amazing though some of the ‘essentials’ you see people peddling to the unwary?
I have an EMP detector to sell you, when it quits working, there is a good chance you just received an EMP. I’ll let you have it for only $49.95
A A Ron
I’ve come to the conclusion that any tool that has a designated Bottle opener is silly. In junior high most folks learned how to pop a top with pretty much anything rigid. Enjoyed the read, as well as your attitude daisy. Thanks
I saw this earlier with comments posted identifying which character the person is most like. But would a true prepper identify they have ammo or supplies on Facebook?
These are all fictional characters that remind us of folks we know. It’s all in good fun.
I laughed as I could definitely relate to a couple. I’ve been reading your site for years, which helped me prep for this many years ago. Now my kids think I’m wise, go figure. Humor is good for the soul!
Yeah, I can see a little of myself in some of the characters.
If you cannot laugh at yourself, you take life way to seriously.
And then there is Rod. For a quarter century he scoured hamfests and the internet to collect 6 decades worth of amateur radio equipment. The power has been off for 2 months now, leaving him with just one HF transceiver that he can power off the gel-cell that used to run the electric trolling motor on his 14-foot aluminum canoe. The HF transceiver gives him 5 Watts to talk to Japan & the UK, but he can’t talk to his ham buddies in a 10 mile circle around his homestead because they are all operating on VHF & UHF. He invested his time in learning ham radio but neither his mother nor his 3 prior wives taught him how to cook. Opening a can of SPAM one evening he drops the key and it slips partway into the ventilation slots of his radio. He reaches for it and is electrocuted …
That made me chuckle!
HAM truth right there lol
That cracks me up….
Here Here Now!!
Hammies don’t need to know how to cook, they always bring donuts to any ‘event’ right? 10 Fingers, you are fed for a week, get the glazed ones and maybe 11 days licking the sticky off the tween parts.
I remember a comment I seen in a board once, it said something like, You know, for ONCE in my life before I die, Id truly love to see a HAM operator actually be giving out the donut’s for a change, instead of the one fighting the first responders to be in front of the line at the donut table.
Oh that reminds me, I need to renew my license here soon.
Take care
A A Ron
Thankyou for a laugh…
I think I know some of these people! Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!
Mike has taken to the idea of prepping and has bought all the gear and books.
He has a bug out trailer, he relocates to a fishing cabin he thought only he knew about to find another group there already. Determined that it should be his cabin as it was his plan first he drives down the road to put on all of his gear to “stack up and breach”
Outing the squatters.
3 hours later after unpackaging all the new gear and attempting to assemble without a you tube video he is ready..
He sneaks up to the door rattling and jingling in his best navy seal impersonation. Kick the door down brandishing his new hk 417 with every attachment known to man with a 100 round drum mag. He attempt to spray and pray the cabins occupants but pulls the trigger forgetting to switch off the safety, then fumbles for it hitting the mag release instead.
The occupants wake up and see Mike, scream and grabs what’s at hand killing him with a blow to the neck with table lamp as he frantically searches for his drum mag on the floor.
Best gear is nothing without training and use…..
I can actually see that happening.
Thank you Namelus!
Being a retired army food inspector I would never recommend MRE’s for a family. 🙂 It was designed for young, physically fit soldiers. Also it keeps you constipated…. you don’t want to take a dump on the battlefield. Not to mention it does not have the shelf life of freeze dried foods. This is what happens when people don’t research before they buy. I know that our small county (people wise not land mass) county judge gave away 2500 MRE’s to the national guard because it was coming up on its due date…. now there is no money or MRE’s available for the people here. The food bank here is on the end of the disruption line and most of it goes to the border for the illegals. There is not enough food for the people here. Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction.
Mette,
Thank you for that insight.
Yep, I have seen the constipation and even one case of requiring ER intervention bowel blockage from MREs.
I would not be surprised to see more than a few of the Rambozwannabees dying from a bowel blockage, rather than a firefight.
Happy Easter!
Whoever Jesus was/is, he is my kind of guy.
He told the Truth, he stood against the power structure that oppresses,
He tried to liberate the masses from their ignorance,
He never tried to profit from his endeavors,
He stood against evil,
And……..He was willing to die to promote the cause of goodness.
Happy Easter!
Either you are a troll, John Roberts or you need some serious mental help.
My daughters would definitely tell you that Mom is a mixture of Nancy & Aelfie.
And, true to form, there is an EO order open on another tab as I type this. There are 2 sewing machines right behind me with about 40 masks almost finished. But, before I sew the rest of them, I’m out to the garden to put clear plastic over my tomatoes–chilly night tonight.
Thanks for the laugh. Good day to you all.
What about the would be obnoxious Christian who doesn’t actually live out Christianity with the exception of handing out gospel tracts every time to the same ups driver everyday? Some folks try but just don’t get it. Thanks for the effort but try not to be abrasive. Praying now for us all in the journey.
BUBBA, owns a Pit Bull dog, deer rifle, and a Pick Up truck. Cuts lawns for a living, has 4 ex-Wives. Is 175 lbs. overweight. Boasts, ” I was a cook in the Air Force for 4 years- so I know how to survival anything thrown at me”. (This guy lives across the street from me).
I think I once dated Bubba many years ago. 🙂
Air Force huh? Don’t worry, as soon as the E mail goes down he will surrender by noon.
WhatEVER you do though, please for the love of god, don’t get a Navy cook.
You will have ravioli that is 10,000 degrees on the outside, and frozen in the middle.
Your medical person will be perplexed trying to figure out exactly HOW you managed to get second degree burns on your lips and frostbite on your tongue.
Peace
A A Ron
And a Country Boy Will Survive.”
Good Lord, I’m related to all of these characters! But….which one am I?? I blushed reading about Kyle so…I’m a Kylie? Lol thanks for the laugh!
This was absolutely gut busting funny!
How about Tiffany, who bought up all the bleach, sanitizers, and wipes. She went to the grocery store with all her own supplies along with her mask and gloves. Yet she kept touching her face, removing her mask to speak to people, did not maintain ‘social distancing’. She went to the self checkout, watched the clerk disinfect the terminal and all, but had to disinfect it again herself. And loaded all her stuff into her own reusable shopping bags which promptly went back into the cart. And did I mention she left a trail of used disinfectant wipes thruought the store? And probably left her dirty gloves in the parking lot to boot. When she runs out of disinfecting supplies, and her xanax prescription runs out, she has a melt down and runs off to the hills, never to be heard from again….(this character is an amalgam of observations from the grocery store I work at, mostly based on one particular woman who came to the store today…)
Thanks Daisy!! I loved it! I’m sure our UPS Driver sees “all walks”….the poor man………..LOL….but he ALWAYS has a smile & I NEVER worry about him……..known him far to many years!
Simon is a quiet guy, in his 60s, moved here as a widower from the big smoke to be near his daughter, but that useless SOB who married her, dumped her for Tiffany. (That didn’t last after the two of them had a screaming fight in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot about her OCD, and he totalled his rusty Chevelle into the only light pole in the parking lot).
Sandra perked up after she got rid of her garbage, but only a few months later came down with leukaemia and wasted away, Simon caring for her till the end. And that’s all anyone really knows about him, because when she no longer left the house, nor did he.
But fast forward to 3 nights ago, when a group of ferals all the way over from Phoenix came swinging through the neighbourhood beating down doors of both occupied and occupied houses, threatening occupants with a couple of sawn-offs.
Simon can tell his own story. “Well they hardly knocked, and came in without an invite. When I didn’t tell them exactly what they wanted to hear they started to trash the place, and knocked my daughter’s picture off the wall and laughed when I went for it. So I pulled the short gun from under the sofa and shot to through centre of mass. The long gun took a little bit more time so I apologise for the driver leaving skidmarks on your corner property before I could readjust his attitude too. Once I’ve buried them with the backhoe, I will set your fence line straight again”.
Reader, my sister Aelfie married him.
What about Dotty? She ordered a few items from Amazon’s “Surprise and save” program, then was surprised by the boxes of toilet paper, paper towels, food grains, a bunch of other stuff over the last couple of years, and has saved what she didn’t use. Thankfully Amazon ran out of toilet paper so this month’s “Surprise and save” didn’t surprise her with her any. She now frets that Amazon’s “Surprise and save” keeps sending her stuff that she doesn’t want. No, she’s not a prepper. About the only things she’s bought at the grocery store in the last couple of months are eggs, some cheese, bananas, milk, and a couple of other perishable items that don’t store long term. Her freezer is full of frozen fish and meat. She didn’t join that stampede that emptied grocery stores, rather she recognizes that she has enough other than perishables to last a few months as least. Despite her pollyannish attitude, she has been terrified by watching the TV news, so hasn’t been out of her house for two months, rather has nearby family shopping for her. She’s told no one about what she has.
Despite her advanced age, she’s a nonagenarian, she’s in good health, takes no drugs, and is still quite active mentally and physically. She’ll probably survive until natural death.
Thanks, Daisy, for this posting. We can all use some humor.
Dotty is one of my family members. She doesn’t know how to “Surprise and save” but if she did, that’s what she would call it. And, she would never figure out how to cancel any of the items.
That was cute. Thank you.
2 new characters, Steve’s dogs, Toby a red Chow Chow thats all business and Misty a psychotic black Doberman, Steve is way to hip to eat a Millenial like Brad but thrifty enough to feed Brad to his dogs-which are Covid resistant unlike Brenda’s stray cat menagerie.
My wife thought I was mad to prep.
Now economic disaster is imminent, she thinks it’s great that we have some useful stuff in the house.
My role in this has been overlooked entirely.
A prophet is without honour in his own home.
That UPS guy is hilarious! Spot on too!
Bill Gates
Bill sits in his luxury home watching the television and laughing at all of you for the trick he , Fauci, Brix and the other criminals in China along with the democratic party have played to see if you would actually self quarantine to stop the elections at the poles, kill the economy and install democrats in power again….why did Peloci wait to introduce the articles of impeachment hearings until the first case of corona was confirmed? because it would keep the media focused on the impeachment instead of the virus they made sure was here first.
Now, Gates and his depopulation gang manufacture the vaccine, they had all along, making sure everyone is scared as hell and will happily take it for the big reason this was done; to put a nano tracking chip in the vaccine. the mark of the beast these dark forces wanted to mark their ‘property’ with since Edward Mandel house devised in 1914 prior to the instituting of the federal reserve system. you folks need to wake up. Too bad Trump instituted the travel ban and introduced hydroxychloroquine….that pissed them off..just listen to the media trying daily to suppress the non vaccine cure. haha bitches
Sandy: Ordered another 20 gage shotgun and 2 glocks. Has been baking bread, planting a garden, and setting up a home distillery.
She started four orchards of different grapes on her 150 acre property to make wine and started growing hops for her beer brewing operation. She purchased 4 pigs for bacon and has 25 chickens and 2 roosters in a well-made coop.
Steve falls in love with Sandy, and they feed a very stoned Mary to the pigs.
Tommy: No one knows much at all about Tommy. He had to close shop and retire at 60 and lives with/is caretaker for his 95 year old mother. That’s about all anyone knows about him. He keeps to himself, and rumors abound: he has a target range in his basement, he has more food stored who knows where than God, he’s a conspiracy nut, a religious nut, a martial arts nut, choose your nut and he’s probably it.
He’ll likely outlive everyone else because everyone else is afraid of not knowing what Tommy might have, know or do in any circumstance, and no one wants to find out.
Don’t forget Cleetus and his room mate Porksword. They stocked up with 19 cases of PBR, 9 cases of Mountain Dew, a 48 pack of quadruple size rolls of toilet paper, some pork rinds and a bottle of Metamucil. Oh, don’t forget the 11 remaining bottles from the 18 pack of the quart sized Ranch Dressing Mega Pack that was given to them as a Christmas present a few months back.
They have all the re runs of Jerry Springer on VHS, the neighbors WiFi is still up, so the trial of Netflix is still running to stream VH1 day and night.
Mountain Dew, ‘Gets you Going’ in the morning, and an 18 pack of PBR, ‘Puts you to bed’ at night. The cracklin crunch skins keep you occupied batweyn commercial breaks. Save the cans, Ronny’s Recycle World will pay actual money for them, for every 16.28 cases you bring in, you get enough for a free 6 pack from Goobers Stop and Rob down the dirt road. Free Beer, Woo HOO!!!! Pandemic Schmandemic, we got free beer comin our way! Besides, one of them thare reelty shows taught them how to make moonshine from fromented terlit paper. Won’t really have much use otherwise for that stuff since their diet allows them to pretty much poop thru a screen door without leaving a stain anyways.
The virus will pass them by because their continual BAC is equivalent to any hand sanitizer you can find pretty much anywhere, so it can’t survive in them to begin with.
Oh, and if you squeeze a lil bit of that ranch dressin on them lumps of terlit paper left over after squeezin out that frement jooce, it ain’t half bad if you put it between a few rinds.
Not even the buzzards stop by there.
A A Ron
I watched a very disturbing youtube video that was put out on March 9th by Survivorman Les Stroud. The video is titled “coronavirus home food. In the video he said that he was working on a new series for PBS. He will show people how to prepare and deal with emergencies such as floods, fires, tornadoes ect. He then said the show will not be about prepping and then he starts to bash preppers. He said that preppers know where all the Mormons live and that we are planning to rob them.
Check out the 1st 2 minutes of the video then jump to the 7:00-9:00 mark
People like that are not worth the time repeating their names.
Many of the Mormons I know, would help you out, even though you are so naive you didn’t store a years food on your own 🙂
In all honesty, anyone with half a brain knows that in order to survive whatever happens, people WILL have to work together in the long run, whether it be work, barter, etc. After the initial culling, IF we want to survive, we are going to have to all just get along.
I got beans, you got corn? Let’s trade.
A A Ron
But what does RONA stand for in the article?
Coronavirus = the ‘Rona
My favorite character (who is real) would be the designer and network helpers-recruiter for the glitter bomb (with GPS tracking) to exact priceless revenge on the nationwide legions of porch pirates. See this very entertaining YouTube video:
Porch Pirate vs. Glitter Bomb Trap 2.0
in this 18:14 minute video, from Mark Rober on Dec 15, 2019:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_TSR_v07m0
11 months of social justice engineering boiled down to 15 minutes! [updated to 18 minutes]
You’ll get the idea in the first few minutes of that video if you don’t have the time for the full 18:14 minutes.
My solution is a lot less time consuming or glamorous. I simply use a nearby commercial shipping and receiving service. They email me whenever anything comes in for me, and they accept packages from any shipper whether UPS, DHL, FedEx, USPS or whoever — unlike the Post Office. End of porch pirate problem.
–Lewis
They are thieves, dynamite works just as well, the remains make great compost for your plants.
Just an idle thought.
Lewis, yes your solution would work, BUT now the package cost more because I have to pay the hall monitor guy. They are not going to work for free.
A A Ron
I suspect Selco would say that Shooter (as a bad guy) and Scott (as a good boy) would survive. Aelfie would be in trouble for having too much useful stuff too openly (unless she’s pretty, in which case she’ll be used as a sex slave). The UPS driver is a good candidate to catch the virus (probably from Brenda, though he might catch it from Rachel because she’s a nurse). That would kill Steve, too, for shaking his hand (plus, his implied age is on the high side). Mary would probably attend Brenda’s party (free booze) or hang around Steve (they clearly like each other), so she’s another likely one to die. Brad may do OK for a little while if he’s willing to learn organic gardening from Aelfie (he certainly shows some interest in the subject), that is, if Aelfie manages not to make herself a target for Shooter too soon. Nancy probably becomes the community’s nurse after Rachel sadly dies. Since she seems the introverted type (avoids people) and has a science bent, she’s a good match for John. They get married after a long courtship through a carefully disinfected walkie-talkie. Karen and Susan probably move to live together (safety in numbers) and become the go-to people who know who has everything in the area. They have a few tricks up their sleeve, including being the only ones that know where Dan lives and what he has to barter and where Brenda went after being booted out by the community for starting an outbreak that she survived herself. Todd got killed by Shooter. Kyle exchanges lessons with either Aelfie or Brad on successful gardening after getting fed up with the MREs, for other survival skills that they lack.
I loved the part about the UPS guy just threw the packages in the bushes…
Don’t all people who love to cook have a pantry full of prep stuff? Yes! My husband got excited when he saw the name of your website . . . he thought it was The Organic Pepper. I told him it reads “Prepper,” but he just ignored me. Your site will always be “Pepper” to him.
And to the religionists, look up the etymology of the word “religion.” It’s from the Latin, ‘to bind.’ The word “Easter?” Look up the origin of that, too.
I’m tired of saying “sheeple.” Is there a new adjective out there, anyone?
Joni has been preparing for a while ,she didn’t have much for pandemic supplies but got chlorox spray and toilet paper at convenience stores and smaller pharmacies and grocery stores. She was sitting well as she grows chickens for eggs and meat and has enough for all her friends as well. Just before the shortage she stocked up majorly on canned fruits vegetables and meats. She also did a small stock up on meat sales at the grocery stores. She did not worry about organic for this just quickly bought food. She had already ordered her spring garden seeds in January. She has now ordered 1/2 beef from trusted supplier and another in fall. She already had chickens ducks and geese ordered for spring and has feed for them stored in a trailer. Her sister called her and thanked her for telling her to stock up on toilet paper 5 years ago when Venezuela started running out. Her kids have laughed at her for 10 years but that has all calmed down now as nobody is laughing. She has not told them she has freeze dried food buried so she doesn’t have to defend it with a gun although she is trying to improve in that area .She tells the kids they can have the food for her funeral as a joke.She knows things could get much worse but has a small measure of satisfaction that her preparations have paid off . She just gave food to the food shelf and is making masks to help others. Her grand kids will not starve even though her kids would not listen. She does not have to hoard at a time that would bring criticism but buys weekly in normal amounts. She has still much to do prepare and learn but is gradually gaining skills .She has elderberry tincture that she made last summer to ward off the virus. She has many to thank for what she has learned and prepared .Her shelves are full of home canned foods thanks to the Organic Prepper and Ready Nutrition.
As a former UPSer (23 years), I did 6 of those as a package car driver. I don’t have any of these anecdotes ready to share, made up or real, a route provides a true variety of individuals and encounters. I can tell you that there are plenty of good people, most are looking for their deliveries, some seem clueless (about all kinds of things) and a mild few are downright narcissists. My favorite time of the year, albeit the hardest time of the year (even though there isn’t really a hardest time. Kind of like the Navy SEALS, the only easy day was yesterday.) was Christmas (known internally as Peak season) and then ONLY because of the small children from whom you tried to hide your visits.